How very big of the little man – Smiley did what JH never could and apologised to the Aboriginal folk in Australia. BK now wonders how long it will be before the knocking on his door starts with the hat in the hand and the other hand held out. Funny how such a “proud” people have no problem asking for money.

So if this is the start of an international trend, the Idiot will apologise to the Red Indians, Sexy Helen will apologise to the beige brigade (BK is not too sure who will apologise on behalf of the Maori to the Maoriori who was here first – really), T-Bone will apologise to the !Xoi and San people – and maybe leave the apology to the white folks until what is current is history, if you know what I mean. But we know that will never happen – as with the terrible disease (who cannot be named, but it sounds like “Azaleas In Die Skaduwee”), as soon as you admit that it is there, then money has to start changing hands. So South Africa doesn’t have a pandemic, the Bushmen weren’t hard done by, the white folks are being treated fair and just – everything is rose-coloured, or should I say everything is ok, for fear of being classified a racist for mentioning rose-coloured anything…

Bosveldgroete!

BK had to laugh the other day when an advert stated that you could bring your old bicycle in for a trade-in. The joke was of course that the bicycle shop promised to send your old bike to Africa. A picture of a large container ship sidling up to a beach in Africa (much like the movie Madagascar) and opening up a large hatch, dumping thousands of bicycles on the beach came to mind.

But then BK started thinking – ja, I know it is difficult to believe, but it does happen sometimes! BK started thinking about those headlights we used to have on our old “dikwielfietse” – you know the one with the little dynamo running on the back wheel. And the current electricity crisis in South Africa – put two and two together and get full points for a brilliant plan!

If all the thousands of second hand bicycles from Kiwiland gets fitted with dynamos and lined up on the beach, everyone can take turns to “spin” – not only do you get rid of the “overweight” problem, but you also make a lot of electricity! To motivate people, you can reverse tax it – the more tax you pay (and contribution you make to society) the less you have to spin. The unemployed will be put to work, contributing energy instead of money – and staying off the streets at the same time (because, let’s face it: anything you can buy at the traffic light, you can buy in the store as well).

There you have it – two birds with one stone doodgeskietfontein!

Bosveldgroete!

Well, it’s the end of BK’s first week in his new job as “investigator"! My boss (who was filling in a crossword at the time) asked me who killed Abel? So BK has his first murder case already!
Then there was the lady that called to ask if we can locate a 28 ounce water pump for her. BK of course wanted to know what car it’s for and when she replied “a Datsun”, BK had to explain to her that it’s a Datsun 280Z water pump not a Datsun 28 oz water pump!

It reminds BK of the time he stopped to help a broken down BMW in the middle of Hans Strijdom drive in Randburg (you know how we platteland folk are – and the city people would never stop to help anyone…). When I asked the guy with his head under the bonnet if I can help, he said: “Help yourself, I just want the carburettor!”

Ja, die goeie ou dae – you know when people still helped people, instead of being scared to stop and help in case it’s a set up to hijack you. But BK must say that Kiwiland is still like that – people help when you stop to ask directions, and most of the time it turns into a conversation. Just the other day BK stopped at a country furniture maker to ask about a local wood supplier, and walked out half an hour later with a big piece of kauri wood (for free!) under the arm. And then there’s the honesty bins on the country roads – just stop, take some veggies and put your money in the bin; no need for anyone to man the stall! (And for those folks who thinks this is a Krisjan Lemmer story – ask anyone who lives here).

Now BK has been overwhelmed by your responses and e-mails (and Facebook too!) and while there’s too many names to thank, I have to just mention Karooseun by his name for his persistence. Die wêreld draai rondom die son, boetie.

There have also been a lot of questions regarding moving to Australia and New Zealand (and for those of you who has made the move, welcome and I hope everything goes well), so BK wants to point you to this website where a lot of answers can be found, good people can be talked to and questions asked. You might even run into BK there too!

http://www.saaustralia.org

Bosveldgroete!

As I have said before, BK is not a political person: the doings of the leaders of this country, your country and the old country can only be described as a dark and mysterious art, resembling smoke and mirrors. They must know what they are doing and how they are going to do it, because to BK it looks as they are walking around a dark room with a blindfold, but at the end of the day everything is still the same as it was yesterday and the day before.

I mean, BK wakes up in the morning, goes to work, gets paid, pays taxes, drives to the shop, buys food – everything stays the same. And it is all because of the good work our politicians are doing – and it is here that BK can only admire them! It seems that they are sitting around, doing nothing but fight among each other, sling mud, verbally abuse each other, but at the end of the day, they make this country work!

So don’t worry that Kevin Smiley Rude has broken his campaign promises of bringing the troops home – he knows, in his own mysterious way, what he is doing and will make sure everything is ok. We common folk should not concern ourselves with politics. And don’t worry that the next leader of SA (that’s the old country, not South Australia – you know like they say on the beer bottles: “Return for a 5c deposit – only in SA”) will probably be an uneducated rapist with criminal business connections – everything will be ok. The politicians will make sure of that.

And us common folk should trouble ourselves only with our own problems – like what to do with all the bottles I’ve been collecting for deposits for when I visit SA (that’s South Africa) again – only to find out they meant South Australia…

Ja, Kitikat – welcome in Paradise, pity no one told us about the weather!

Bosveldgroete!

Another day, another dollar – or should BK say another year another fuel price rise… With the crude oil at over $100 a barrel, BK can’t understand why we have to pay more for our fuel – my car runs on petrol, not oil!

But the weather is nice and the holiday feeling is not over yet, so we worry less about things we should worry about and more about things we shouldn’t! Let’s kick off the New Year with a promise from BK: if you elect me praaim minister, I will put an end to work; everybody will be on holiday all the time! What does it matter that I can’t do as I promise? Isn’t it about the same as promising to get our troops out of the Middle East (refusing to even speak to Bush before the election) and then making them stay there longer (after speaking to Bush post election)?

Just proving that politics runs on empty promises, Kevin Smiley Rude must have broken the record time for disappointing your voters after being elected… It’s so sad, BK is at a loss for words. Being a veteran of many years in the SA bush war, BK knows how much it would have meant to those soldiers and their families to return home – to not fight in a pointless war that Australia shouldn’t have been involved in the first place!

But what difference does it make what we think? The politicians have been elected; the power is out of the voters’ hands...

Bring the boys back home!

Bosveldgroete!

Well, it’s that time of the year again – time to dust off the Krismis decorations and hang it on the $20 pine tree in the lounge – you know the one standing in the bucket full of sand and still trying to fall over at the slightest sign of anyone trying to hang the star off the top. Time to feel guilty about the people who don’t have anything, but still not throwing a coin or two into the collection tin at the supermarket – in fact, taking positive steps to avoid the tinshakers at the doors, and smiling sheepishly on the way out with your arms full of grocery packets. Time to realise it’s too late to send Krismis cards to the family left in SA and promising yourself to send a quick e-card on Krismis day in between the third and fourth “dop” and hoping you don’t forget. Time to promise yourself that you’ll eat less this year than last, but knowing that you won’t, promising to drink less while taking the next beer out of the fridge. Time to make that list of things you have to do over the holiday, like finally fixing the fence and cleaning out the garage, knowing that you won’t get to half of those things, but soothing your guilty conscience by telling yourself that the holidays are shorter than the school holidays we used to have as kids. Time to promise once again that you won’t wear fake deer antlers at the work Krismis party, but knowing you’ll probably end up with not only the antlers, but also the alien bouncy glitter antennas when some doe-eyed co-worker with a low cut top puts them on your inebriated head… But I’m getting ahead of myself – hope springs eternal!

Hope you all have a very festive Krismis holiday – and remember that you have nobody to answer to but yourself!

Bosveldgroete!

Bula! For those of you that don’t know – that’s how the people in Fiji greet you. Yes, BK has enjoyed a short holiday on the tropical island paradise of Fiji. Not that I want to make you jealous, mind you – BK just wants to educate all of you on what it looks like and what to expect when you travel there.

Fiji did have a “staatsgreep” last year – the new leader is a military man just like BK – name of Frank Bananarama. Having lived close to Bophuhatswana for several years, BK knows that things seldom change on ground level, so to speak, when things change in the “goewerment”. So I booked tickets what was on special on account of the “political instability” in Fiji and climbed aboard the plane bound for paradise.
A bus trip north and a taxi ride took BK to the wharf where the longboat waited and 10 minutes later BK was standing with his lily-white feet matching the colour of the sand. The water was as blue as a pretty blue-eyed girl’s eyes and as warm as a cup of coffee that had been standing for a while.

All in all it was nice and something different than the weather here which changes more often than a woman’s moods. Fortunately BK got out of there on the last flight before the airport closed due to a cyclone warning!

BK just has to say to Kobus – thank you for the letter and let BK know when he can come and help you to take the “oogklappe” off.

Bosveldgroete!

So there you have it – the land of the giant jumping rabbits have a new praaim minister. BK thought it might be a good idea to give Kevin a call and set up a braai – just to discuss the SA – Aus relations so to speak. Also to introduce Kevin to the concepts of “braai”, “dop” and “opskop”. But BK was told that now that he has been elected, Mr Rudd doesn’t have time for social meetings – apparently being on tv on Rove was the last do on his agenda for a while. Yes, he has been talking to Bush (not the burning one) and arranged to get the Ozzie blokes out of Iraq, and yes, he has been talking to Susilo Banana Yoko Ono and got invited to climate change talks, but surely he has to see that there’s more important issues for a newly elected praaim minister to attend to – the people!

We need to know what kind of a bloke he is – does he buy a round when it’s his turn, or does he fake having to go to the loo to skip his turn? Does he get loud when we “kuier”, or is he one of the ous that sits in the corner and talk to himself? Can he sing a few songs or play a few tunes on the guitar, and how many “dops” does it take before he sings karaoke? Does he interfere with unwanted advice when you braai, or does he know to keep his mouth shut about your techniques? Does he take the last beer, or does he know that beer belongs to the braaier? And does he know his duty as assistant braaier is to keep the braaier supplied with cold beer? Does he criticise others’ choice of beer, or does he know that as long as it’s cold, it’s better to not say anything about it?

Does he know that his mates’ sister is off limits? And does he know never to talk about his mate’s whereabouts when questioned by the bloke’s wife? Will he fall on a grenade for his best mate (agree to distract the ugly friend of the hot babe his mate trying to score) knowing that if he gets lucky with her, no-one will ever talk about it again?

And most of all – does he know never, ever to let a mate wear a speedo?

Bosveldgroete!

Bk got a phone call yesterday from a close friend asking whether Mugabe had died, because he heard something on the “draadloos” but didn’t catch the whole story. Well, BK started to plan the celebrations already, but fortunately checked the newspaper before ordering the truck full of beer. It seems that it’s not the president of Zimbabwe that died, but the ex-president, Ian Smith, who died at age 88. I guess we all have to “skop die emmer” sometime, but it would have been nice to see Ian outlive Bob.
Maybe it’s a good thing that he doesn’t have to see his country getting worse and worse every day – Rhodesia used to be a rich country with its copper mines and beautiful cattle ranches (die mooiste beeste – spekvet en gesond!) reduced to a country with the highest inflation in the world, poverty, hunger, disease and some of the worst suffering by people on this earth. The newspaper say more than 3 million have jumped, ran or swam across the border into SA (not sure how many made it, but apparently the Kruger Park lions and the “krokodille” in the Limpopo loves this) – all now unemployed, homeless refugees living off the SA tax payer. And still T-Bone refuses to do something. Apparently, if BK understands correctly, T-Bone has been for talks with Bob and says that “everything is well” and the talks were “successful”. BK’s questions is of course that if “all is well”, why mines now according to a new law, have to give 25% of their shares to the “goewerment”? Does Bob not see that overseas investors will leave and then 25% of nothing will be nothing? But maybe he thinks that printing a new currency to replace the 58 trillion Zim dollars in circulation (worth about R500) will solve the financial crises…
After almost 30 years as a tyrant and despot, BK thinks it’s time for RM to retire, or better yet, to expire. But don’t think that it will solve the problem overnight – it will just create the opportunity for the healing process to start.

Tsvangirai for president.

Bosveldgroete!

Well, BK’s back after a short break – not that it was a holiday, mind you. No, BK has been writing exams! After burning my textbooks on the last day of my standard eight year, BK never thought he would study ever again, but as with most things time changes our plans. And now BK is finally going to get matric – that is if he passes all his exams.

What I could never understand is why they teach you all these useless things like history and geography. Who ever uses mathematics of the x and y type, and who really cares that water is made from 2 H’s and an O? Why don’t they teach you something useful – like how to fix your car, or how to make furniture from pallets that you pick up at the tip? How to unplug a drain or drill a hole in the wall for the tv aerial? How to braai a snoek or make a lekker potjie?

Those are the important things in life – and knowing how to do those handy things around the house will save you money. So why study further and get a high education, then find a job where you have to work for years and years before you get promoted and finally get a good salary, so you can buy those furniture when all you had to do in the first place was get a few planks and a few bricks, wrap the bricks in newspaper and put the plank across the top – there you have a nice place to sit on you stoep! Maklik…

Bosveldgroete!