Well, this is the time of the year that everybody says how quickly time goes by – look, it’s almost “Krismis” – where did the year go? BK did some investigating into the matter of time and how quickly it passes, just to make sure nothing happens while we are not looking, if you know what I mean. But it still passes at 60 seconds a minute and 24 hours a day…maybe it feels a little quicker because we’re not as young and carefree as we once were (ah, the nostalgia – it’s not what it used to be) and we feel that we have more to do and less time to do it in.

Our days are filled with work that we have to do, and not the hobbies and sports that we would like to do. And that is the problem with working for a living – you work your backside off to be able to afford a house to live in that stands empty most of the day while you are at work to be able to afford the house!

And talking about houses and things we have to do – BK recently re-discovered his dislike for moving (or “shifting” as the Kiwis call it – why, I don’t know, because the rest of the civilised world calls it “moving”!). Yes, the landlord sold the house right from under us and forced a reluctant BK to pack all the worldly possessions into a van once again and move to a new house. Well, it’s not a new house, so to speak, but you know what I mean.

The garbage we collect in such a short time! BK recently got his Kiwi citizenship (as you all know), having been here for the compulsory three years, and had to stop and wonder – amazed at all the useless things that piled onto and into cupboards – every nook and cranny filled with old house alarm batteries, broken chew toys for the dog, a box for a car radio, brochures for Fiji, Gold Coast, Sunshine Coast and more, maps for Melbourne and Timaru, a plastic tiara (?!?), a computer part of some sorts, a few model Jeeps, a wooden puzzle box, a broken iron, an old kettle (still working), a rusted cake tin, a calendar of folding paper planes for 2006, a Stollen (fruitcake from Europe somewhere?), a rusted VW Beetle and an old surfboard, to name just a few.

But maybe moving is a good thing every few years – it gives us a chance to do that spring clean that we have been putting off for so long!

Bosveldgroete!

Well, there you have it! America’s got a new president…not that we are surprised, you know – them having elections and all, and what with elections being to elect a new president…

So Saturday’s the big day here in Kiwiland, and the game is wide open, so to speak. With Labour and National neck and neck (as opposed to “kop-aan-kop”, if you know what I mean) and the rest trailing far behind, it looks like we have a two horse race. But it’s not politics that BK wants to talk to you about today, not even the way the economy is making our lives difficult, or even the situation in the “Vaderland”… It’s not the way the shops are forcing Christmas down our throats with the adverts on tv, radio, the shop windows – every advert trying harder to get your attentions, from discounts to catchy jingles (if you’ll excuse the Xmas pun), it’s not BK’s citizenship ceremony next week (although that would have been worthy of a few lines), and it’s not the weather.

No, BK doesn’t want to talk about the idiot that walked into the $10 haircut place and asked how much it was for his haircut, or BK’s Xmas holiday at Sandy Point in Springhaasland (and how much he’s looking forward to spending some time in a sunny place!), and definitely not about the price of petrol which seems to have gone down for a change.

No, BK just wants to wish everybody joy and happiness – not in the Christmas spirit kind of way, but in the real and sincere way that says I hope all of you have all the happiness that we so deserve, the peace in your soul that lets you wind down and make it possible for you to really relax this holiday and the few weeks left leading up to it.

Bosveldgroete!

What with the election (with an “l”!) looming here in Kiwiland, one would think that the politicians would be falling over themselves to get the support of “Jan Alleman” (that’s me and you, folks), but unfortunately it looks as if that’s not happening Not only does JK (not Rawlings) keep being caught out on lies, but Sexy Helen does nothing but point out what he does wrong!

JK promised us (the people) a $50 per week tax cut. The next we heard was that the recent tax cut that supposedly put $32 per week back in our pockets (we’ve talked about this a few weeks ago, you remember?) was included in the promised $50, so that leaves $18, right? Now he not only says that it will apply to the lower income groups only (that’s those too lazy to work and who gets paid by the goewerment not to work), but also that it will be “implemented” by 2011. Now BK is somewhat of a tall tale teller (so to speak) but sometimes I like to sit back and listen to an expert. And it seems JK is a real expert.

BK’s last campaign for Prime Minister of Australia didn’t work out so successful – only because Smiley was invited to Rove’s TV show and BK was not…so maybe it’s time to try for Prime Minister of Kiwiland! If empty promises get you elected, BK has learned from the best:

Mandela – a TV and a fridge for everybody in South Africa
Mbeki – a house and a job for all
Rudd – I’ll get the troops out of Iraq as soon as I’m elected
Key - $50 per week back in your pocket

I guess if there’s only a black horse and a white horse running, your best bet is to put your money on the zebra…

Bosveldgroete!

Having recently had two more friends move to the land of the giant Springhase, BK though you might find this little story interesting.

DIARY OF AN ENGLISHMAN IN WESTERN AUSTRALIA
August 31
Just got transferred with work from grey old London to our new home in Newman, Western Australia. Now this is a town that knows how to live! Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a deckchair by the pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I've finally found my new home. I love it here.

September 13
Really heating up now. It got to 31 today. No problem though. Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a sun-worshipper.

September 30th
Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. No more mowing lawns for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

October 10th
The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's windy though. Keeps the flies off a bit. Acclimatising is taking longer than I expected.

October 15th
Fell asleep by the pool yesterday. Got third degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed three days of work. What a dumb thing to do! Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

October 20th
Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before I left for work this morning. By the time I got back to the car after work, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to the upholstery. The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat sh&$* I've learned my lesson though: no more pets in this heat.

October 25
This wind is a bastard. It feels like a giant %&*# blow dryer. And it's hot as hell! The home air conditioner is on the blink and the repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to order parts from %&*# Perth.

October 30th
The temperature's up around 40 and the parts still haven't arrived for the %&*# aircon. Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. Bloody $600,000 house and we can't even go inside. Why the hell did I ever come here?

November 4
Finally got the ol' aircon fixed. It cost $1,500 and gets the temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes it feel about 30. Stupid repairman.

November 8
If one more smart arse says "Hot enough for you today?", I'm going to %&*# throttle him. %&*# heat! By the time I get to work, the car's radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking %&*# wet and I smell like baked cat!

November 9
Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on the black leather upholstery in the ol' car. I thought my %&*# arse was on fire. I lost two layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and my %&*# arse. Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried arse and baked cat!

November 10
Weather report! It might as well be a %&*# recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny, Hot and %&*# sunny! It's been too hot to do anything for two %&*# months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn %&*# place. Water restrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up and blow into the %&*# pool. The only things that thrive in this hell-hole are the %&*# flies. You don't dare open your mouth for fear of swallowing half a dozen of the %&*ers!

November 20th
Welcome to HELL! It got to 45 %&*# degrees today. Now the air conditioner's gone in my car. The repair man came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail me out of jail for assaulting the stupid %&*er. %&*# Newman! What kind of sick, demented %&*# idiot would want to live here!

December 1
WHAT!!!! The first day of Summer!!!! You are %&*# kidding!

Bosveldgroete!

Well, there you have it! T-Bone is out and the Zapman is in… It makes BK wonder what makes a man throw in the towel like that, so to speak. Is it a question of finally listening to the people – which is hard to believe, since T-Bone never backed down on anything: his stance on Zimbabwe, his opinion on poverty causing that AIDS thing, despite pressure from everywhere, national and international.

I’m not defending the man – he really demonstrated his ignorance and incompetence over the years that he’s been the boss. But better the devil you (you know). We don’t know what Zapman is going to do – with his standard 2 edumacation and criminal tendencies, he’s likely to cause more damage in a month than T-Bone did in all his years. Pretty soon our assets (with a “t”) will be sold to the highest bidder, or should I say to the buyer who pays the highest bribes to the seller. Hold on to what you have, South Africa, you might wake up one morning to find the tanks and guns have been sold on the black market (sorry – that is informal market for those of you into that PC thing).

Only one question remain: what will T-Bone do now? Retire to his place in Spain? Maybe he should go and speak to his former baas FW to find out what defeated presidents do when the white flag goes up.

Bosveldgroete!

What with the petrol price down few cents a litre, the promise of tax cuts in October and promised interest rate cuts, there seems to be an unfounded optimism around. I mean, the few cents per litre of petrol doesn’t make a huge difference at the end of the week, so to speak – with people that can’t afford the expensive parking in the city it shows that things are not at all well here in Kiwiland or people that can’t afford their house payments… Now all of a sudden the promise by dairy companies - not to bring the prices down, but NOT to increase them is seen as a positive sign?

These Kiwis are a funny bunch, let me tell you. Or is it people in general that behave like this? The petrol price going down sounds good, but it is still more than we paid last year this time, so just an about face of some of the increases we experienced lately. And the petrol price going down has not rolled over to food prices and suchlike. And the promised tax cuts will put a whole $33 per week in the pocket of the average wage earner! Man, we will live like kings… Buy cheese and milk again, fill up the car at the pump, buy houses – BK can’t wait for October!

Maybe it’s just the nice weather we’ve had this week – a bit of sunshine and the whole world looks better again. But BK is not stupid, he knows what the “goewerment’s” plan is – cut the tax and people will have more money. They know people don’t learn their lessons from hard times – they will just go and spend that money again. So $33 times the number of taxpayers here in Kiwiland (6 million if you include the companies) means that almost $200 million per week goes straight back into the economy! And it’s not money they have, like they’re doing us a favour, you remember – it’s money that we pay that is now just a little less. So they make it sound like they’re helping the man in the street – you and me - but they are really helping themselves to get through these hard times.

Don’t be fooled, my friends!

Bosveldgroete!

Well, it seems that previous predictions of warmer, drier weather could not be more wrong. And BK is not averse to admitting that he was wrong as far as these matters are concerned. But high hopes still persist for an early (or at least on time) spring. With the wet, cold weather, the newspapers are reporting that people are feeling depressed and suffer from “cabin-fever” – no wonder the “dop” sales are up and the work attendance is down… Reminds me of the time when BK was trapped in the “skuiling” for three days by a hungry lion with only a bottle of KWV brandewyn, but that is a story for another time. Let’s just say BK sympathises with those feeling trapped inside.

All this commotion in Russia made BK think back to another time when all of us had to go and do our duty “vir Volk en Vaderland”, or was that “Vir F^&*en Vaderland”? Fighting every day to survive, your life at risk – and that was just the mess food! Then the “goewerment” goes and hands SWA over on a silver platter – all those lives lost and lives destroyed and for what? As we grow older and hopefully wiser with every grey hair, it just seems that war is such an unnecessary and wasteful thing. Back in the pre-historic times, there could have been reason to fight over food or other scarce resources, but what is the point of war these days? Is there really a country in the world that is fighting for their survival? For food or water? Or is it simply a question of wanting to prove a political point? Why not just live and let live? Get along and rather spend all that money and effort on helping rather than killing. And if BK can figure that out, surely the educated leaders of the world must be able to see it as well?

But I guess the old school ground principle of “he started it!” still goes – even for countries.

Bosveldgroete!

bosvBK always thought “citizen” is a newspaper in Josie for the dark side – which reminds me of the time when I was on a plane and the new South Africa flight attendant asked me whether I want the “white pepper or de black pepper”, so I told him to bring me the Transvaler, cause I don’t read the Citizen. But recently BK got a letter from the NZ “goewerment” saying “Congratulations! The minister of internal affairs has approved your application for citizenship.” So I figured it must mean that I can now become a “landsburger” of this country. And just in time too, because my old South African passport is about to expire.

Some people have asked BK what happens when you get your Australian or New Zealand citizenship, BK being knowledgeable about the affairs of state, so to speak. So here’s what I’ve found out so far: you can have your new passport and let the old SA one expire, which means you become a citizen of the new country. Or you can renew your old passport, and apply for “dual citizenship”, meaning you have both. Why you would want to do this, BK does not know. But here is where it gets tricky – when you visit the old country and your old SA passport has not expired yet, and you are not a “dual citizen”, you must enter on your old SA passport, or get a fine for R20 000 (which is only about $200?). So BK thinks it is better to keep the old passport until it expires, but it’s not necessary to apply for a new one – it takes a year and costs a lot of money and effort. They ask you all kinds of questions about where your parents are, when you’re coming back to South Africa and such-like. So better to avoid having to go through all that just so you can have two passports?

But of course everybody’s different in what they want – some might call BK a “verraaier”, some might still hang on to the hope of someday returning to a *NEW!* and *IMPROVED!* South Africa – each to his (or her) own. Let’s just say regardless of what papers you have in your hand, home is where the heart is!

Bosveldgroete!

PS: Good luck trying to visit SA on a foreign passport when your old SA one has expired! You try to explain that to the squeeza sitting at the customs desk!

Should BK dare? Should he stick his neck out and risk his reputation as a Bobaas-weervoorspeller? I’m not saying BK is a Siener van Rensburg or anything, but my skills in the weather forecasting department is known all over the Groot Marico and even as far as the Highveld. And weather is weather, right? How much different can it be here than there, or in the land of the giant springhase?

Admittedly, since moving here, BK has found out that the weather is not all predictable – there’s that Spanish chap, Al Ninjo, that messes things up. And he has a sister too – La Nina. If BK reads this interweb thing right, it seems as if La Nina has been messing with the weather the past year or so, but has now decided to leave things alone. That’s why we’re getting al the right weather for this time of the year – westerly winds and lots and lots of rain. So hopefully things go back to normal and we won’t have drought again this summer.

But back to the prediction – it seems a little lighter outside in the mornings and the heater hasn’t been on for a week now. BK thinks that except for a few cold snaps, the weather will start getting warmer now, and we can expect spring in September to October. It might just be false hope, like a handshake between Bob and Morgan, but I hope not!

Bosveldgroete!

I tell you, the oil price even looks like it might go up, then the petrol companies increase the petrol price. But when the oil price drops like it did the last few days, all you get from the petrol companies are silence. BK wants to know – why is the oil price increase immediately followed by petrol price increases, like the 6 cents per litre earlier in the week, but the petrol price never comes down when the oil price drops?

BK might not be a “perfesser” of science, but I do have a theory or two. It’s called the “Wurggreep teorie” or I guess in the Rooitaal you can call it the “Chokehold theory”. And it works like this: the sellers of goods, in this case the petrol companies, but it also holds true for the groceries, electricity, rent and all other types of expenses, will raise their prices by small amounts until they see the consumer making alternative plans – you know like when Piet Smit se winkel put their prices up, you shop at the Rooinek’s place, Riley’s, even though you don’t like to collaborate with the enemy, if you know what I mean. This is the chokehold, see? So when the people start taking buses, cycling, walking or whatever rather than buying petrol, they know that this is the limit of how far they can choke – the consumer is now all red in the face like. Then they relax the grip, that is they lower the price just by a little bit. So the consumer is still breathing, but only just. And that is how they determine the price of petrol.

But then in a week or two, when the consumer (me and you) starts to think: “This is not so bad, I can still breathe at least” – that’s when they tighten the grip again. And the process starts all over again. Now, this goes hand in hand with the Parra teorie, which, unlike you might think, has to do with boiling frogs. If you increase the temperature of the water slow enough, the attention span of the frog is so short, that it can only think that the water is not much warmer than it was a few moments ago. If it could remember further back, it would realise that the water is now a lot warmer than 5 minutes ago. And so it keeps on thinking that the water is ok, because it is not much hotter until it actually boils. At no point does it think the water is now so much hotter than before that it jumps out. Now you are clever, I know…so I won’t point out how that story relates to us…

Bosveldgroete!